i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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