It's Friday. Sex?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
