Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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