So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
