Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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