i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
