She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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