I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
