Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
