Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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