I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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