with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
