so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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