Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize