2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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