remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
