Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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