I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
