Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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