The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
