I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
