halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
