So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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