just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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