I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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