I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
