Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
