I just saw a hot homeless man
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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