He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
