I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
