Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
