please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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