So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
