if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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