i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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