oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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