what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
