You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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