Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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