the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
