I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
