Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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