the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize