So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Dear god my vagina.
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