Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize