Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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