i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize