You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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