A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
