wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize