How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
