I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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