Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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