So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i now understand why vodka
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
