i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
