I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
