just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
