I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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