all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
