There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
