My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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