i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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