if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
