I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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