i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
