Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
